So this is twenty-six.


I always thought I would be in a much different place in my life by the time I hit my mid twenties. I figured I’d have a couple kids by now and be finished with my teaching degree, working at a school. Instead, the only child I’ve got is the one I’m married to and I’m anxiously attempting to go back to school and finish my degree online. Still struggling working part-time, still dealing with a 2001 piece-of-shit-mobile that has been out of commission for months, still drowning my 5 o’clocks in a tall bottle of stress.

But it’s not all bad, despite how many friends have said, “Wow, you have the worst luck.” We’re in the process of making it work. Somehow we always do. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about myself, especially these last few years, it’s that I’m resilient as hell.

And if I’ve learned anything about life these past 26 years, it’s this:

  1. You are always tougher than you think.
  2. Trust is the easiest thing to lose and the most difficult thing to get back once it’s gone.
  3. Friends can break your heart too.
  4. When it rains, it pours. And often, it then monsoons.
  5. Storms don’t last forever.
  6. Hard work and dedication is often met with blind eyes or overlooked entirely.
  7. Self-love is a long process full of set-backs.
  8. Adulthood is difficult.
  9. When in doubt, fake it ’til you make it.
  10. Not everyone you lose is a loss.
  11. Life is too short to hold a grudge.
  12. You are under no obligation to be the same person you were five minutes ago.
  13. It takes guts to recognize toxic people and put space between them and yourself, but you will thank yourself for it later.
  14. Go with good intentions or stay the fuck home.
  15. Go with your gut. Really—women’s intuition is a hell of a thing.
  16. Few things can’t be improved by either a hot shower, a nap, or an orgasm.
  17. Be weird as hell—those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.
  18. Don’t raise your voice, improve your argument.
  19. Gettin older is a gift—not everyone will get the opportunity, so cherish every new year you get— even when the cashier at the store who is younger than you thinks you’re fifteen.
  20. Moderation is everything.
  21. Your vibe attracts your tribe. Being the kind of friend you want others to be is no guarantee you’ll find those people, but it doesn’t hurt your chances.
  22. Regret of the things you didn’t do far outweighs the regret of things you’ve done. Better to look back and say “I shouldn’t have” instead of “I wish I had.”
  23. Fear of failure won’t necessarily stop you from failing, it will only guarantee you won’t succeed.
  24. Take. Risks. On yourself, that job, changing your major, on love.
  25. If you want something done right, just do it yourself. Eliminate the middle man.
  26. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel like you can’t have what you want. You need to make yourself happy—eat that bowl of ice cream, get frisky on the first date, take that job in another state—you are responsible for your happiness.

I’ve always been the person who gives advice but never follows their own. Here’s to hoping this year is the one I finally learn my lesson.

Advertisements

“I Wanna Hold Your Hand.”

I wish there were more words in the English language to describe moments—not just the emotions you experience, but the entirety of the thing itself. There’s something about the way the sounds of their voice break quiet that is different in a certain moment than any other time. It’s the way the shade is drawn, how the blankets are disheveled, how the sheets are wrinkled. There’s a dog somewhere in the room snoring quietly, a tiny bedside fan whirs even though you can barely feel its air. None of those things are important, but somehow they matter. Like this moment is only perfect because all of those mundane things are exactly where they are right then.

That’s what everyone wants. Not 24/7 hot wet sex. Not a marriage that lasts a hundred years. Not a Porsche…or a million-dollar crib. No. They wanna hold your hand. They have such a feeling that they can’t hide. Every single successful song of the past fifty years can be traced back to ‘I Wanna Hold Your Hand’. And every single successful love story has those unbearable and unbearably exciting moments of hand-holding. — David Levithan, Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist

So you lay there and your fingers curl around someone else’s and you don’t have to ask if it’s alright but the flutter in your chest you felt since Day One hasn’t flickered out yet, either. Maybe you’re not a wildfire anymore. Maybe you’re a candle. And those fingers still belong to the spark that made you come alive.


My husband had to leave for training and even though it’s only a short time and we’ve done this a million times before, I still like to spend the quiet moments before we’re apart being thankful for what we have.

I’m a hopeless romantic down to the marrow in my bones. So I collected a playlist I like to listen to in moments when I’m about to let go. I’ve never been good at goodbyes.

So until next time, here’s something to relax to. Hold someone’s hand. Mess up your sheets.

What songs put you in this moment with someone? What do you think I should add? I’m always open for new music suggestions (whether they fit this particular mood or not)!

Inhale, exhale

052

Flowers grow back even
after they are stepped on.

So will I.

Life is a perpetual deep end—sometimes you can reach the edge, some days you keep grabbing and your fingers come up empty.

When you’re a kid, adults like to drown you in broken record rhetoric about how you should hold onto your youth, don’t grow up too fast, etc. But they never tell you why it’s hard. They never tell you how people can hurt you. They never warn you that friends can break your heart too.

Between 19 and 22 you meet a lot of temporary people.

I’m halfway through my 20s and let me tell you—I am still surrounded by temporary people. Many people are temporary. Some people grow apart, some people grow together, and some people just leave, quietly, in a way that feels like what was between you never existed. That’s the nature of the beast.

But I’m sitting here telling you I am here for you. If you reach for me, you will get my hand. Be that for someone. This world is full of hate and sadness and loss and loneliness. I know how it feels—I know how you feel. Give me your love and light and I will send you mine.

Appreciate those who have your back and let them know, frequently. We need all the love we can get. Help me keep my head above water.

I’m rooting for you, guys.